The Darkest Hours Excerpt

Tonight was said to be the darkest night our city would see in years, and it certainly seemed to be true. The moon was black and hidden from sight; the thick heavy rain clouds rolling in to block out any other illumination that might be trying to shine through; the rolling power outages darkening what few street lamps there were out in the housing districts. The officials had warned that citizens should not wander outside tonight. The risks were too high, the payout too little, they said, especially with the rise in the crime rate recently. But the darkness was just what I had needed to accomplish my goal here tonight. The risk might be high, but we had to take that chance to set things right again.

It’s really too bad things did not go as planned.

Everything was going just perfect. There were no bumps, no detours, no last minute changes. Nothing was going wrong. My plan was flawless. Or, so I thought. That, unfortunately, all changed in half a heartbeat. Just that split second, and everything changed. Everything went downhill, racing down the dark abyss of despair and fear that arises in moments like these.

My partner, thankfully, managed to escape, to get away before they caught on her. She had no choice. She had to leave me behind or risk punishment herself. So now, I’m the one who gets to pay for our miscreant deeds tonight. The price, however, is a bit on the steep side.

I’ll be lucky if I get to see another dawn. 

Which list would you be on?

I am an avid reader, and have always been, far as I can remember. The written word, in my opinion, is a beautiful escape from reality more often than not, especially since I now read almost purely for pleasure. I'll read almost anything I can get my hands on, though I tend to gravitate to the fictional tales. Realistic fiction, fantasy, mysteries, romance... I have no preference, and honestly have a list of novels that I will share if ever asked to pick out my most favorite book. 

Ha. Like I can really pick out one. 

I have a rather wide collection of novels as well. Many in paperback, and a few in hardback. Most of those, sadly, are in storage, and have been for the last while since I do not have a place of my own and my space is limited. As such, a couple years ago, my family granted me a desire I had been harboring for a while. An E-Reader. With it, I had the ability to carry around hundreds of books. Sure, I prefer the paper versions, but I cannot complain about the convenience. The E-Reader has rarely left my side since, usually taking up residence in my purse even when I am at work.

Well, just the other day, skimming through my selection of novels, trying to pick out another book to start, to get into reading, I came across a book that I had downloaded a couple weeks ago. A book that I have owned since its initial release in 2007. Now, usually I try to avoid downloading books that I know I have paper copies of, simply to save the funds, etc. But this book... well. Let's just leave it at it is very near the top of my absolute favorite books that are out there. 

I bet the author is extremely happy to hear that, right? 

I opened it immediately, glad that I had it there, because I was really in need of a familiar story, one that I had read countless times before. What book, you ask? I suppose I could tell you, but only if you take a moment to actually consider going out and picking up a copy for yourself. No, you don't have to buy it. Go borrow it from the library. Or something. It's really a good book. 

Thirteen Reasons Why

by Jay Asher

It is a realistic fiction novel about a typical, average teenage boy well on his way to becoming valedictorian. Is that the important part? No. Not really. I only mention it because he mentions it himself. One day after school Clay receives a package. A plain shoe box, wrapped in brown paper, and inside, a tube of bubble wrap, protecting their contents: a set of seven cassette tapes. It is what is on those tapes that make the story, shall we say, unforgettable. 

Finding a cassette player in this day and age is a challenge, but Clay does find one, and slides in a tape, excited, but that is short lived. The voice that comes through the speakers belongs to a girl he had once had a crush on. A girl that had killed herself just a few weeks before. A girl with a haunting message: 

Hello boys and girls. Hannah Baker here. Live and in stereo. No return engagements. No encore. And this time, absolutely no requests. I hope you're ready, because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you're listening to these tapes, you're one of the reasons why.  

                                                 (Thirteen Reasons Why, Jay Asher, 2007, pg 19 on Nook)

Imagine picking up a tape player, expecting something fun and exciting, maybe a love note, and instead discovering that there was a dead girl's voice speaking out to you, naming you as one of the reasons her life had ended. Clay reacts in kind throughout the book, listening to her words, wondering what he had done to hurt her, to push her to her point. 

Don't worry. I won't spoil it. I'll let you read and find out Hannah's reasons. And what Clay, the nice guy, had done. Or failed to do. Just read it for yourself. It's a powerful lesson, about how things we do, things we say, could actually push someone over the brink. Could, as Hannah refers to it as, create a snowball effect, cascading down a hill and building more and more until the burden is much too great to handle anymore. 

The reason why I bring this book up, though, was not to give it a stellar review (though it deserves one) or anything of the sort. In years past, I have read the book and always felt impressed to be careful with my words, be careful with my actions, lest I inadvertently, like so many in the book, become someone's reason. But this time... maybe because of how much I've been struggling in recent months, in recent weeks even, my thoughts took a more... morbid turn. 

I started wondering who would be on my list. 

The idea scared the hell out of me, but I couldn't stop names, events, occurrences, from flashing through my mind. Sure, not all of them are people. Not all of them are events. Some of the way I'm feeling is just... well. Chemicals in my brain, I'm told, misfiring and screwing with me. No cause. Just emotion. But I do, too, have a list... Things that have pushed me down a path that is bleak and hopeless. A path on which... I honestly feel that I could.... 

No. See? Like Hannah, I can't even bring myself to say the word in relation to myself. 

Now. Those few of you who might read this. Who might stumble across this, don't freak out. I have been having those thoughts for a couple months. Hell. They've popped up periodically over the last several years. I hate them, and wish they would just leave me the hell alone, but I am... I am strong enough to over come them. To an extent. Even if I feel like my limit is rapidly approaching, and I don't know what I'll do then... 

Ugh. Getting off topic again. 

Haha. My blog my rules, that shouldn't matter, right?

Anyways. The thought scared me, realizing just how far I had fallen. After my mind had run its course, I had to force myself in another direction. I had to sit up and give myself reasons why I am still here. Why I shouldn't give in. People that have... maybe not knowingly, 90% of the time, done so, since I tend to bottle things up and hide how I am feeling and keep it pressed down the best I could. It didn't really offer much a pick me up, to be honest, but it did offer a little bit of hope to actually put that in writing. 

That list is short. Ridiculously short, actually, but its there, now written own on a small sheet of paper, and is now tucked into a private spot in my room (no, I won't share where) to be easily referenced if I feel myself giving up and completely alone. I won't post it here either. A very few might even know who they are. And to them... to all of those on that list... I have to say... Thank you. 

I guess I wanted to share that because, those of you who might read this, think about it. Think about your impact in someone's life. They might be going through something that's not readily apparent. Or maybe they don't want you to know if they are in pain. But when it boils down to it... what are your actions doing to this person? Would your name appear on a list of names as to why someone struggled, maybe even killed themselves? Or would it appear a a beacon of hope to the same person in a moment of painful struggles? I know we are all hoping we could be on the later of the lists. But really? Odds are we aren't going to be on that list all the time. We might hurt someone unintentionally. But even those... 

My point... Try. Try to be the person who can bring light into someone's life. 

Which list are you on?