The Darkest Hours Excerpt

Tonight was said to be the darkest night our city would see in years, and it certainly seemed to be true. The moon was black and hidden from sight; the thick heavy rain clouds rolling in to block out any other illumination that might be trying to shine through; the rolling power outages darkening what few street lamps there were out in the housing districts. The officials had warned that citizens should not wander outside tonight. The risks were too high, the payout too little, they said, especially with the rise in the crime rate recently. But the darkness was just what I had needed to accomplish my goal here tonight. The risk might be high, but we had to take that chance to set things right again.

It’s really too bad things did not go as planned.

Everything was going just perfect. There were no bumps, no detours, no last minute changes. Nothing was going wrong. My plan was flawless. Or, so I thought. That, unfortunately, all changed in half a heartbeat. Just that split second, and everything changed. Everything went downhill, racing down the dark abyss of despair and fear that arises in moments like these.

My partner, thankfully, managed to escape, to get away before they caught on her. She had no choice. She had to leave me behind or risk punishment herself. So now, I’m the one who gets to pay for our miscreant deeds tonight. The price, however, is a bit on the steep side.

I’ll be lucky if I get to see another dawn. 

Which list would you be on?

I am an avid reader, and have always been, far as I can remember. The written word, in my opinion, is a beautiful escape from reality more often than not, especially since I now read almost purely for pleasure. I'll read almost anything I can get my hands on, though I tend to gravitate to the fictional tales. Realistic fiction, fantasy, mysteries, romance... I have no preference, and honestly have a list of novels that I will share if ever asked to pick out my most favorite book. 

Ha. Like I can really pick out one. 

I have a rather wide collection of novels as well. Many in paperback, and a few in hardback. Most of those, sadly, are in storage, and have been for the last while since I do not have a place of my own and my space is limited. As such, a couple years ago, my family granted me a desire I had been harboring for a while. An E-Reader. With it, I had the ability to carry around hundreds of books. Sure, I prefer the paper versions, but I cannot complain about the convenience. The E-Reader has rarely left my side since, usually taking up residence in my purse even when I am at work.

Well, just the other day, skimming through my selection of novels, trying to pick out another book to start, to get into reading, I came across a book that I had downloaded a couple weeks ago. A book that I have owned since its initial release in 2007. Now, usually I try to avoid downloading books that I know I have paper copies of, simply to save the funds, etc. But this book... well. Let's just leave it at it is very near the top of my absolute favorite books that are out there. 

I bet the author is extremely happy to hear that, right? 

I opened it immediately, glad that I had it there, because I was really in need of a familiar story, one that I had read countless times before. What book, you ask? I suppose I could tell you, but only if you take a moment to actually consider going out and picking up a copy for yourself. No, you don't have to buy it. Go borrow it from the library. Or something. It's really a good book. 

Thirteen Reasons Why

by Jay Asher

It is a realistic fiction novel about a typical, average teenage boy well on his way to becoming valedictorian. Is that the important part? No. Not really. I only mention it because he mentions it himself. One day after school Clay receives a package. A plain shoe box, wrapped in brown paper, and inside, a tube of bubble wrap, protecting their contents: a set of seven cassette tapes. It is what is on those tapes that make the story, shall we say, unforgettable. 

Finding a cassette player in this day and age is a challenge, but Clay does find one, and slides in a tape, excited, but that is short lived. The voice that comes through the speakers belongs to a girl he had once had a crush on. A girl that had killed herself just a few weeks before. A girl with a haunting message: 

Hello boys and girls. Hannah Baker here. Live and in stereo. No return engagements. No encore. And this time, absolutely no requests. I hope you're ready, because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you're listening to these tapes, you're one of the reasons why.  

                                                 (Thirteen Reasons Why, Jay Asher, 2007, pg 19 on Nook)

Imagine picking up a tape player, expecting something fun and exciting, maybe a love note, and instead discovering that there was a dead girl's voice speaking out to you, naming you as one of the reasons her life had ended. Clay reacts in kind throughout the book, listening to her words, wondering what he had done to hurt her, to push her to her point. 

Don't worry. I won't spoil it. I'll let you read and find out Hannah's reasons. And what Clay, the nice guy, had done. Or failed to do. Just read it for yourself. It's a powerful lesson, about how things we do, things we say, could actually push someone over the brink. Could, as Hannah refers to it as, create a snowball effect, cascading down a hill and building more and more until the burden is much too great to handle anymore. 

The reason why I bring this book up, though, was not to give it a stellar review (though it deserves one) or anything of the sort. In years past, I have read the book and always felt impressed to be careful with my words, be careful with my actions, lest I inadvertently, like so many in the book, become someone's reason. But this time... maybe because of how much I've been struggling in recent months, in recent weeks even, my thoughts took a more... morbid turn. 

I started wondering who would be on my list. 

The idea scared the hell out of me, but I couldn't stop names, events, occurrences, from flashing through my mind. Sure, not all of them are people. Not all of them are events. Some of the way I'm feeling is just... well. Chemicals in my brain, I'm told, misfiring and screwing with me. No cause. Just emotion. But I do, too, have a list... Things that have pushed me down a path that is bleak and hopeless. A path on which... I honestly feel that I could.... 

No. See? Like Hannah, I can't even bring myself to say the word in relation to myself. 

Now. Those few of you who might read this. Who might stumble across this, don't freak out. I have been having those thoughts for a couple months. Hell. They've popped up periodically over the last several years. I hate them, and wish they would just leave me the hell alone, but I am... I am strong enough to over come them. To an extent. Even if I feel like my limit is rapidly approaching, and I don't know what I'll do then... 

Ugh. Getting off topic again. 

Haha. My blog my rules, that shouldn't matter, right?

Anyways. The thought scared me, realizing just how far I had fallen. After my mind had run its course, I had to force myself in another direction. I had to sit up and give myself reasons why I am still here. Why I shouldn't give in. People that have... maybe not knowingly, 90% of the time, done so, since I tend to bottle things up and hide how I am feeling and keep it pressed down the best I could. It didn't really offer much a pick me up, to be honest, but it did offer a little bit of hope to actually put that in writing. 

That list is short. Ridiculously short, actually, but its there, now written own on a small sheet of paper, and is now tucked into a private spot in my room (no, I won't share where) to be easily referenced if I feel myself giving up and completely alone. I won't post it here either. A very few might even know who they are. And to them... to all of those on that list... I have to say... Thank you. 

I guess I wanted to share that because, those of you who might read this, think about it. Think about your impact in someone's life. They might be going through something that's not readily apparent. Or maybe they don't want you to know if they are in pain. But when it boils down to it... what are your actions doing to this person? Would your name appear on a list of names as to why someone struggled, maybe even killed themselves? Or would it appear a a beacon of hope to the same person in a moment of painful struggles? I know we are all hoping we could be on the later of the lists. But really? Odds are we aren't going to be on that list all the time. We might hurt someone unintentionally. But even those... 

My point... Try. Try to be the person who can bring light into someone's life. 

Which list are you on? 

Some Pick-Me-Up Songs

So, I have to say, glancing over my last couple of posts, what I have been writing about is pretty dark. Honestly, yes, my thoughts are turned there quite a bit, but that doesn't mean that all my posts will be like that. Its just those heat of the moment things... where I have to get something out lest I break and all that. 

So! Though I am still feeling like garbage, I wanted to try and pick up not only myself, but list a couple songs that will usually help remind me that, yes, things are bad, but we can still overcome. Somehow. We can. 

First up?

Hold On

Wilson Philips

Yes. It's older song, but who cares? The mess it shares... To hold on in spite of everything because eventually, one day, hopefully, things will change. 

Stand

Rascal Flatts

Here is a song that describes exactly how it feels. The world is overwhelming and terrible, but there is still something good that can come of it. After all, 'life's like a novel with the end ripped out'. We can write our own pages, our own destinies. We just have to keep standing back up. 

Who Says

Selena Gomez

Finally. A song out there that, though on the surface its telling you to ignore the haters, is telling you to accept who you are, because honestly? Who cares what the others think. A little hard to put into put into practice, but its there. 

And lastly, this time around.... 

I'll Be Okay

McFly

The perfect sentiment. When the days are going just as bad as they possibly can, just get through the day, and don't to tell yourself that you'll be alright. Thing's really will be okay. Eventually. 

In Memory of a Legend

Yes... I'm slow to post... but... well? Too bad.

Robin Williams, one of my idols from years of watching his movies, killed himself on Monday. When I first heard about it, I wanted to laugh it off, believing it to be one of those moronic death hoaxes that have been floating around the internet at first. Since I sleep during the day, there was plenty of time for such a stupid prank to go viral, right? But as I started looking into it, reading multiple sources from multiple news channels and newspapers, I realized... He really was gone.

I spent most of the evening when I heard about it choking back the sobs. I was at work, or I'd probably just let the tears flow. The world lost a legend. Plain and simple. He'll forever be missed, but a good friend of mine, my best friend, actually, made a statement the day it happened. Make August 11th a day of remembrance. Celebrate his life with laughter and joy. After all... it was he who had brought joy to millions upon millions of people. Shouldn't we do the same?

See what I mean?

It wasn't even a couple days before this blog fell off the face of the earth into the black abyss yet again. It was those two posts. Those two days of promising myself that this time around it would be different, and look where it got me. Absolutely nowhere. 

-sighs- 

I wish I could say the past few months of my life have been filled with joy and happiness beyond my wildest dreams, but I would be lying. Miserably, might I add, if I said such a thing. And... much as I might tell that lie to someone's face, pretending that everything is okay when deep inside I'm racked with pain... And even then, my ability to hide how I'm feeling is faltering again. 

So there. I won't sugar coat it. It's been a rough couple of months, speckled with a few days where things really were okay, piled onto a rough couple of years. 

But I also don't want to get into it. 

I read an article the other day about some of the worst things a person can say to another with depression and anxiety, and I had to admit I was laughing and nodding about it. I agree, wholeheartedly. Telling me to get over it won't alleviate my symptoms. Telling me that I should be grateful it's not worse, or that someone else out there has something real to cry about doesn't help either. sadly... there are a million other things that just... don't say them. Especially if you don't know the person. 

I am one of those that if I come to you, I don't always want advice. I rarely want you to comment on my little things. And don't tell me, when I'm already struggling with my faith, that how I'm feeling is a test from God. That He would never give me anything more than I can handle. Because honestly? Look at world... How can you say that He wouldn't when there are people out there that are taking their lives because of the troubles they are having? Even me... the thought of taking my life has crossed my mind more than once these past couple months. Are we given more than we can handle just to see which one of us breaks first?

I'm sure I'm going to get backlash for actually publishing that last statement, but its the truth. It's how I've been feeling. 

Instead... just listen to me. Let me talk. Let me cry. Don't tell me to get over it. Don't try to make me look at the bigger picture, because honestly? In the heat of the moment, I don't care about the bigger picture, and you trying to force my hand makes me feel guilt, and thusly even worse. Just... don't. Listen. Be there. That's all... 

Hello, Hello

I have decided I am going to give this blogging thing another chance. Yes, I know, I know. I have been so completely horrible at keeping up at with it in the past, so why should I bother? Heck, I've never even been good with keeping up with a written journal, unless it was an assignment at school. Then I wrote in it religiously. Until it was time to turn it in. My lost blog went months, minimum, between posts, simply because I didn't have the drive to get up and write something. So why am I doing this?

When you figure out the answer to that one, let me know. I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

In all seriousness though, keeping up with a blog, some place that people can come and learn about some parts of my life (if they so choose), has been something I've wanted to do for a long time. And I'm hoping, just hoping, that maybe I'll actually have the stamina to get this going and make it a habit.

Maybe.

Going to give it a shot anyways.

So. Introductions. Those are always the standard, right? My least favorite post in the world to write, and it's one you will almost always find one some level in blogs like these.  So let's make it quick one, shall we?

My name is a fairly private thing. We will see if, at a later time, I divulge the whole thing. For now, you may call me May. That is my online handle. I'm in my late twenties, perpetually single (he's out there somewhere. I just have to find him!), live in the US of A, and work two jobs to try to make ends meet. I am an aspiring novelist and teacher working as a substitute and a weekend night auditor at a hotel. Though, of course, with summer coming, I am officially at the hotel full time while hunting a teaching position. Wish lucks? Haha.

If you saw my first official post, you'll know too that I suffer from severe depression. I'm working through it, and am hoping that writing here, maybe sharing some of my experiences and feelings will help me to cope and work through the troubles.

Some of the posts here will be sad. You have been warned.

Others will happy.

Others still might be previews into my writings, or character introductions.

My goal? Is to just get something going. I want to write. And doing something each day will help me realize that goal, even if I do just end up getting stuck here again. I'm okay with that for now. Anything is a start.

Other things about me you'll probably figure out through the course of this blog. Most likely. You'll probably learn my favorite colour, for example, when I start squeeling over this really cute shirt that I saw or something. Lol! You'll get to find out which book I'm currently reading or just finished reading because I'll gush over it (Spoilers beware potentially!) You'll learn about my besties. You'll learn about my heart, my downfalls, my triumphs. You'll learn that I'm not perfect, not by a long shot, and you'll hopefully see that I am trying to be okay with that.

You'll learn that in spite of my best efforts, I probably won't keep up with this longer than a couple days at best. XD Lol!

Thank you for joining me. : )

That Gentle Nudge

One of the biggest themes floating around the internet at the last few days are pictures, laced with quotes, all about believing in yourself. In holding your head high and trusting in you. Reminding you that, though things are rough, and though there are other out there intent on bringing you down and making you fall, that you are worth it. That you alone are worth it. These quotes, these pictures have always been there, I’m sure, but only recently, it seems, they have fought their way to the surface to inspire those who are in desperate need for some reassurance.

To be entirely honest, here on the internet in a sea of strangers and friends alike, I admit to it. I need those reminders at the moment. I need those uplifting quotes and pictures reminding me that I am special, that I am worth it, because honestly? I don’t feel it. And I haven’t in a long time.

I’ve felt lost and alone for quite some time, and it doesn’t help when things start looking brighter that I get swept kicked off my feet and shoved head first into another pit I hadn’t noticed before. But… It’s just the nature of my life, or so it seems. A huge part of me is resigned to the fact that I’ll probably never feel like I’m worth something, like I’m supposed to be here. Like there’s something in this life I’m meant to do.

But then, last night, scrolling through the book of face, I came across those little nudgings. And… though I am still far from being happy, from accepting myself, I do feel a little encouraged. Maybe it’s not all that bad. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll figure something out, and be able to climb out of this pit. Eventually. It’s hard, yes. But, then again, anything worth doing is.

Isn’t it?