So! An announcement that gives me a little burble of hope!
I have completed all the qualifications for getting my Standard Texas Teacher's Certificate. One the state processes them (which I'm told takes just a few days to a week or so), I will be a fully certified teacher, eligible to teach EC (pre-k) to 8th grade!
Next step?
A job...
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Misinterpretations....
The internet tends to misconstrue everything someone says. That much is a fact as we cannot convey a tone through the use of text and emojis. Everything is taken at face value, or on previous experience, or our own misinterpretation of the things the people we talk to say.
I seem to find myself on the ends of quite a few of these over the past months, and it's having a major drain on my already diminished emotional capacity. The latest began this morning.
Few of you readers (since i know of only person who occasionally stops by my blog, its safe to say that this is everyone), on the weekends, I work overnight at a hotel. Now, this is particularly rough because on the weekdays I work mornings only. Schools don't have the option of coming in later, sadly. Friday morning I get up at five (this week after about 4 hours of sleep alone), go to work, run errands, attempt to take a nap (I managed an hour this week, yay) and then go to my other job at the hotel where I work from 11pm to 7am. Course, they had me training someone, which wears me out already, the phone was ringing off the hook because of an event here in town, and my relief in the morning was late. So, suffice to say, I was exhausted, but wouldn't you know it? This Saturday, I had a surge of insomnia, and barely slept three hours through the entire day, and repeated basically the same night. Sunday morning, this morning, I was dead on my feet.
A friend and I started conversing... sorta. And I guess I wasn't as responsive as I normally am. Well... she took my slow, short replies as something different. After a thumbs up emoji went through, a while later she wrote back with an implied "fuck you" and an "I'm not going to deal with you when you are like this."
30 minutes later, I jerk out of my dozed off sleep and get the message. Needless to say I was hurt. Because there was no 'cold shoulder' that I was giving off. And looking back at the messages, I could only assume that my responses weren't what she wanted that morning, or the length of time between my posts wasn't quick enough. I don't know.
Hours later, she comes back, claws still bared (though, this was my interpretation of the situation now, she says). I had had an attitude, apparently, that wreaked of hostility and I needed to chill. I was floored. Nothing I had said there was hostile in the slightest.
I explained. Told her how little sleep I had had, and pointed out that nothing I said was hostile. It was, yet again, her misinterpretation of the situation. Her reading something into my words at simply wasn't there. And the only explanation I got? "Oh, it seemed like it."
Over the course of the conversation, I got told to "chill", to "drop it", to "calm down", to "get over it or don't" but she didn't want to talk about it. I got told I was "hostile enough that she has to be worried bout it all the time." I was told I was being hysterical. Overreacting. No apology, and basically waving off my hurt feelings about it, until after the whole thing was said and done, and even then it was accompanied with an "I don't care."
Was I overreacting? By typing out my side, by trying to explain what had happened and why her interpretation of the situation was wrong? Maybe so. But this wasn't the first time this same friend had overreacted, misinterpreted something I wrote, and proceeded to jump all over me for it. It's not a good feeling, especially not after the week I had. I felt like garbage, and made to feel guilty for something that I didn't do.
Now, I will not say I am innocent in this. That I never misinterpret and overreact. I know there have been times when she has said something as well, and I had taken it in a different way than intended. I have reacted in kind. So the guilt is on both parties, not just one.
But the reason why I'm writing this today is this: you cannot gauge someone's tone, someone's meaning by the written word alone. No matter what your experience chatting with the person is, how well you know them, or anything of the sort. Their word choice might simply had been poor. They might going through something (or hell! YOU might be!) and things came out different than they say. They might be joking around, being sarcastic. Point is, there's no telling. Not exactly. Give someone the benefit of the doubt because honestly? They probably didn't mean it the way it sounded. Or, rather, the way you think it sounded.
I am glad this friend and I ended up making up, calling a truce, and hopefully learning from this this time. Because honestly? Internet misinterpretations should not be the cause to ruin an otherwise wonderful friendship.
I seem to find myself on the ends of quite a few of these over the past months, and it's having a major drain on my already diminished emotional capacity. The latest began this morning.
Few of you readers (since i know of only person who occasionally stops by my blog, its safe to say that this is everyone), on the weekends, I work overnight at a hotel. Now, this is particularly rough because on the weekdays I work mornings only. Schools don't have the option of coming in later, sadly. Friday morning I get up at five (this week after about 4 hours of sleep alone), go to work, run errands, attempt to take a nap (I managed an hour this week, yay) and then go to my other job at the hotel where I work from 11pm to 7am. Course, they had me training someone, which wears me out already, the phone was ringing off the hook because of an event here in town, and my relief in the morning was late. So, suffice to say, I was exhausted, but wouldn't you know it? This Saturday, I had a surge of insomnia, and barely slept three hours through the entire day, and repeated basically the same night. Sunday morning, this morning, I was dead on my feet.
A friend and I started conversing... sorta. And I guess I wasn't as responsive as I normally am. Well... she took my slow, short replies as something different. After a thumbs up emoji went through, a while later she wrote back with an implied "fuck you" and an "I'm not going to deal with you when you are like this."
30 minutes later, I jerk out of my dozed off sleep and get the message. Needless to say I was hurt. Because there was no 'cold shoulder' that I was giving off. And looking back at the messages, I could only assume that my responses weren't what she wanted that morning, or the length of time between my posts wasn't quick enough. I don't know.
Hours later, she comes back, claws still bared (though, this was my interpretation of the situation now, she says). I had had an attitude, apparently, that wreaked of hostility and I needed to chill. I was floored. Nothing I had said there was hostile in the slightest.
I explained. Told her how little sleep I had had, and pointed out that nothing I said was hostile. It was, yet again, her misinterpretation of the situation. Her reading something into my words at simply wasn't there. And the only explanation I got? "Oh, it seemed like it."
Over the course of the conversation, I got told to "chill", to "drop it", to "calm down", to "get over it or don't" but she didn't want to talk about it. I got told I was "hostile enough that she has to be worried bout it all the time." I was told I was being hysterical. Overreacting. No apology, and basically waving off my hurt feelings about it, until after the whole thing was said and done, and even then it was accompanied with an "I don't care."
Was I overreacting? By typing out my side, by trying to explain what had happened and why her interpretation of the situation was wrong? Maybe so. But this wasn't the first time this same friend had overreacted, misinterpreted something I wrote, and proceeded to jump all over me for it. It's not a good feeling, especially not after the week I had. I felt like garbage, and made to feel guilty for something that I didn't do.
Now, I will not say I am innocent in this. That I never misinterpret and overreact. I know there have been times when she has said something as well, and I had taken it in a different way than intended. I have reacted in kind. So the guilt is on both parties, not just one.
But the reason why I'm writing this today is this: you cannot gauge someone's tone, someone's meaning by the written word alone. No matter what your experience chatting with the person is, how well you know them, or anything of the sort. Their word choice might simply had been poor. They might going through something (or hell! YOU might be!) and things came out different than they say. They might be joking around, being sarcastic. Point is, there's no telling. Not exactly. Give someone the benefit of the doubt because honestly? They probably didn't mean it the way it sounded. Or, rather, the way you think it sounded.
I am glad this friend and I ended up making up, calling a truce, and hopefully learning from this this time. Because honestly? Internet misinterpretations should not be the cause to ruin an otherwise wonderful friendship.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Untitled (Possible Teaser/Prologue)
It wasn’t too long ago that we said those fateful
words.
Strange…. They now seem like they were predicting this
very moment that I find myself in. It’s
only too bad that I didn’t notice it before. It may not have been too late. For him… for me…
But he lays before me, doused in blood that pulsates with
each agonized breath. Each breath,
numbered, slowly ticking away, sometimes spewing small droplets on his crooked,
broken glasses, shielding the eyes that stare at me in shock. Or is it betrayal?
Death could be a glorious thing. It can rewrite the course of history. It can give birth to a stronger generation, a
stronger will. Such a beautiful
thing, when the timing is right, the circumstances. But in his case, there is no
glory. There is no beauty.
There is only… wrongness.
If only I had noticed. If only I could have felt and recognized that strange premonition. Had I realized, I may have been able to stop
it…
poison
things you say
and others you do
poison
in the veins
poison
to the heart
aim to hurt
to harm
to kill
do you see
know
how they slice
slash
rip
tear
a mess lies in waiting
hoping
praying
this poison
painful yes
doesnt become
fatal
Friday, March 6, 2015
I have come to a realization....
Today I was visiting one of the other classes, presenting a lesson that I had taught to my own class this past Monday. And I had a little difficulty.
The lesson wasn't the problem. The lesson, a review on figurative language, was wonderful, so I'm told. Creative and catching, even if the assessment was a little off (multiple answer choices being correct--oops). After reviewing what each element is, and talking a few minutes about each one, I presented a clip of a song and asked students to "name that figurative element." They had multiple choices, and they had to prove it by copying the lyric from the song that showed it. So the ones that had multiple answers (because when I made the assessment I simply didn't see the other element) wasn't a problem. Prove the answer to me, and you're right.
They knew it.
They understood it.
Those that failed because they didn't prove it regret listening to the instructions.
My problem came, especially noticeable in the afternoon, with classroom management. Since this hasn't been the class I had been working with for the last few months, I was in unfamiliar water. When the teacher stepped out of the room to speak with another teacher for a moment, I was fine. I was on my element and had the ball rolling. When she returned however... I didn't realize it at the time, but I lessened my hold on them. Lessened my control just a little. I didn't even realize I had done it until she pointed it out to me during our Specials time. After thinking about it, I realized just how right she was.
I do defer control.
At the same time, in the classroom, I did figure out why. Because it is not the class I'm familiar with, or a teacher I've worked with before, I did not want to step on toes. I wanted to follow her rules, but knew little how she ran her class. I was thrown for a loop as soon as she came back because subconsciously, I did not want to overstep and falter.
Strange, isn't it?
Thinking about it, I see it in other areas of my life too. All I can really hope right now is that I can take my decision to step up, to try and stop deferring so much and apply it to real life. But my shyness is almost crippling. I'm scared to mess it up, especially around adults. It takes time for me to be comfortable around them and then I screw it up.
Guess we'll see what happens. Wish me luck.
The lesson wasn't the problem. The lesson, a review on figurative language, was wonderful, so I'm told. Creative and catching, even if the assessment was a little off (multiple answer choices being correct--oops). After reviewing what each element is, and talking a few minutes about each one, I presented a clip of a song and asked students to "name that figurative element." They had multiple choices, and they had to prove it by copying the lyric from the song that showed it. So the ones that had multiple answers (because when I made the assessment I simply didn't see the other element) wasn't a problem. Prove the answer to me, and you're right.
They knew it.
They understood it.
Those that failed because they didn't prove it regret listening to the instructions.
My problem came, especially noticeable in the afternoon, with classroom management. Since this hasn't been the class I had been working with for the last few months, I was in unfamiliar water. When the teacher stepped out of the room to speak with another teacher for a moment, I was fine. I was on my element and had the ball rolling. When she returned however... I didn't realize it at the time, but I lessened my hold on them. Lessened my control just a little. I didn't even realize I had done it until she pointed it out to me during our Specials time. After thinking about it, I realized just how right she was.
I do defer control.
At the same time, in the classroom, I did figure out why. Because it is not the class I'm familiar with, or a teacher I've worked with before, I did not want to step on toes. I wanted to follow her rules, but knew little how she ran her class. I was thrown for a loop as soon as she came back because subconsciously, I did not want to overstep and falter.
Strange, isn't it?
Thinking about it, I see it in other areas of my life too. All I can really hope right now is that I can take my decision to step up, to try and stop deferring so much and apply it to real life. But my shyness is almost crippling. I'm scared to mess it up, especially around adults. It takes time for me to be comfortable around them and then I screw it up.
Guess we'll see what happens. Wish me luck.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
A New Year, The Same Old Start
Every year, I promise myself that this year, this year is going to be so much better than the last. That I'll find a way to be happier, and be able to deal with all the nonsense that life throws at me. But every year, year after year, it gets worse or stays the same in spite of me. It's not for lack of trying. I know the idea: if you want change, you have to start it. I try. I do. But every year....
This year doesn't look any better. It's 2 am on the 10th, and in the past few days, I have been trying, but keep spiraling. And there's not an end in sight. Between stressors of daily life, changing life, and just life in general, I'm spent.
I know, I know. Change the causes, right? Avoid them.
Well. Problem. Can't. 90% of the time, there isn't a cause. and like 9% of the rest, it's not something I can avoid.
Can't change what isn't there, right?
Go see a doctor! They can help!
Erm. No. I can't afford a doctor's visit right now, even with insurance. Plus, it would be going to a specialist, which cost more.
The medicine that I had before doesn't help, barely did, and it took them years to find it anyways.
So what does that leave me?
Wallowing through another miserable year? And another one after that? And on and on?
I don't think I can handle that. Really. I don't.
I just don't know what to do about it anymore......
This year doesn't look any better. It's 2 am on the 10th, and in the past few days, I have been trying, but keep spiraling. And there's not an end in sight. Between stressors of daily life, changing life, and just life in general, I'm spent.
I know, I know. Change the causes, right? Avoid them.
Well. Problem. Can't. 90% of the time, there isn't a cause. and like 9% of the rest, it's not something I can avoid.
Can't change what isn't there, right?
Go see a doctor! They can help!
Erm. No. I can't afford a doctor's visit right now, even with insurance. Plus, it would be going to a specialist, which cost more.
The medicine that I had before doesn't help, barely did, and it took them years to find it anyways.
So what does that leave me?
Wallowing through another miserable year? And another one after that? And on and on?
I don't think I can handle that. Really. I don't.
I just don't know what to do about it anymore......
Thursday, January 1, 2015
2015
Welcome to those of you from the past, to a glimpse of the future! I have to say, these hoverboards are fricking AMAZING!
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
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